1-Thank you for Miss Manners
2-Ode to the Misery Channel
3-Sorry to hear you got caught hiking in Iran
4-Sorry to hear you were wiped out by a Drone
5-Thank you for Mein Summer Kamph
6-Ode to the Mexican restuarant
7-Thank you for the Big Mart store
8-Sorry to hear there won’t be an NBA season
9-Thank you for the Arab Spring
10-Sorry to hear you received a Whackocard
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Ode to Sports Rage
It’s one of life’s more painful lessons Reliving a dreamy childhood adolescence Let us rectify, an ancient, past historical, ill grievance You never earned your school’s sports letter Your kids are mandated to do much better Make yourself a hero, at your child’s inconvenience
See their focused eyes hypnotically peeled Down on the competitive football field Their sons are always being cheered on center stage The fanatical fathers never blink Methodically pursuing the action on the ice skating rink Let’s all participate, in a friendly game, of deadly sports rage
“My boy certainly got the goods To become the future Tiger Woods Don’t dare question his God-blessed natural inherited ability” So hand out the fancy flier “Let me present to you the next Mark McGuire” His only impediment is his father’s detrimental instability
“Watch that insidious inside pitch You contemptuous asshole, you son of a bitch” “A blazing fastball, you better not ever, try to deliver” “Your call was obviously a few seconds too late My son was safe by miles, sliding in at home plate I’m going to rip that blind umpire’s opinionated, biased liver”
“Hey ref you better get a quick wake-up I didn’t like at all that team’s aggressive wild lay-up” Say hello, to my hidden dormant, childhood neurosis I’m starting to get malignantly annoyed You can study it all in the books on Freud Sports has re-activated, my transient terminal, latent psychosis
“Your blown call was simply horrendous I’m now forced to shoot out your appendix” My son’s coach was strictly warned not to budge Just a little parental vanity I’ll quickly plead a little temporary insanity I’ll just have to convince my fishing buddy, the State Judge
So please bite your upper lip It’s called today “Modern Sportsmanship” We’ve done our pleasant society, one big eternal, lasting favor Rappers and cuddly football felons The current hero images now that advertisers are sellin’ It justifies, today’s sick, pathological, demented behavior
