1-Thank you for Miss Manners
2-Ode to the Misery Channel
3-Sorry to hear you got caught hiking in Iran
4-Sorry to hear you were wiped out by a Drone
5-Thank you for Mein Summer Kamph
6-Ode to the Mexican restuarant
7-Thank you for the Big Mart store
8-Sorry to hear there won’t be an NBA season
9-Thank you for the Arab Spring
10-Sorry to hear you received a Whackocard
MEMBER LOGIN
Ode to the Velveteen Rabbi
Once there was a nice Velveteen Rabbi Only his dysfunctional family annoyed him His older sister was a practicing Samurai His brother hit the street with the Goyim
He was so concerned about his younger brother Jim It caused him lots of unbearable tsuris He prayed for Jim in Jerusalem Where he was just another regular traveling tourist
The Rabbi suffered leaning of his wild sister’s lust He prayed constantly to the Torah to fix her He removed his brother form the family trust When he became engaged to a young city shickser
His Uncle Bennie weighed three hundred tons He was affectionately known as the family chazzer He got no nachus from his three lazy sons With chutzpah they would hang out at the Plaza
Mashugina Nephew Murray, caused the Rabbi to worry He was called the neighborhood letch His dear Rachel, always in need of a facial Was a non-stop contemptuous kvetch
When mother-in law Frieda was diagnosed as borderline The Rabbi’s patience was now down to minutes She hockachinick practically all of the time She effectively knew how to kibbutz
The Rabbi’s velveteen coat, began to lose its bright shine It became a schemata, creating quite a faphishtapunin On non-kosher traife, he suddenly now began to dine The family mishagos, was almost ready to kill him
Oh Vehzmir! The Rabbi took to draft beer Life threw him a fashtunkina monkey wrench His biggest of fears, first time inflicted in years The Velveteen Rabbi was no longer a mensch
The Velveteen Rabbi would give it one more try “I must escape from this unbearable whammy” “Gennorakick, I’ll try a brand new schtick Conducting Bar Mitzahs on the shores of Miami”
Visit the Rabbi at home and receive a gracious “Shalom” It’s homey, roomy and posh Aou Vhey, come schlep yourself to FLA Come join him for a kosher little nosh
Glossary
1-Goyim-Non-Jewish 2-Tsuris-Troubles, problems, woes 3-Torah-The holy book- equivalent of the bible 4-Shcikser- non-Jewish girl 5-Chazzer-uncouth person, a pig 6-Nachus-pitiful, no joy 7-Chutzpah-The epitome of nerve 8-Mashugina-crazy 9-Kvetch-a shrew 10-Hockachinick-Talks too much 11-Kibbitz-Hold lively conversation-irritating 12-Schmata-old dress 13-Fapishtapunin- very angry facial expression
