1-Thank you for Miss Manners
2-Ode to the Misery Channel
3-Sorry to hear you got caught hiking in Iran
4-Sorry to hear you were wiped out by a Drone
5-Thank you for Mein Summer Kamph
6-Ode to the Mexican restuarant
7-Thank you for the Big Mart store
8-Sorry to hear there won’t be an NBA season
9-Thank you for the Arab Spring
10-Sorry to hear you received a Whackocard
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Ode to the All-American Attorney
(The Ballad of the Great Johnny C)
Gather around children and I’ll tell you the story On how to become an All-American attorney Enter our esteemed law schools, gain instant respect Sue someone soon for, whiplash of the neck
Chasing ambulances, learning how to twist facts, intimidate
When I was a little boy, I was nobody’s fool With my theatrical ability, got a scholarship to law school Graduated in a few months from Louisiana State Then started a road tour and began to litigate
Chasing ambulances, learning how to twist facts, intimidate
Well I became a celebrity, President of the Louisiana Bar It was well understood I was its first legal star But Louisiana wasn’t right for this brilliant golden tongue So my father said “A California-Here Johnny Come”
Earth Quakes, mud slides, toxic dumps, the original man-made disaster state, “Johnny rolled seven-eleven-Ooh-I am in lawsuit heaven”
The clients quickly knew we were right for each other My persuasive speaking ability, I had one case after another Driving a big LONG CADILLAC Fighting the reporters, off of my back
They discover me coming, screaming “Please Johnny C., sue that toxic dump for me”
After making fifty million, there was still something missing I had everything in the world except for a television listing The up stepped a lawyer, he was famous and mean, and he said “SIGN HERE ON THIS CONTRACT, SON, I WANT TO MAKE YOU PART OF MY TEAM”
Legal Dream Team that is, O.J. Simpson, lead story on CNN, cover of Newsweek ,uh-sign here kid
So I signed my name, what else could I say? A courtroom T.V. game, defending the innocent O.J. The highest rated show in the entire U.S. of A My face seen on billboards, on the California Highway
I became a verbal magician, making gloves disappear, the jury loved it
When the Great Johnny C. spoke, it came of no one’s surprise The jury believed Johnny, rather than believing their own eyes To them it was the second, coming of the Lord A stellar performance, worthy of an academy award
I gave them poetry, metaphors, rhymes, sonnets-Shakespeare would have been proud
After listening to Johnny, the jury began to purr After listening to Johnny, the truth was just a blur With five minutes for a sandwich, and ten for deliberation O.J. was free, it’s now time for celebration
Parties, press conferences, cover of Newsweek, signing autographs-uh-I’m number one
Now the trial is over, everyone giving the high five My life was complete, after appearing on Larry King Live Then the Lord spoke, told me Johnny C. was heaven sent He said, “DON’T STOP NOW SON, ONE DAY JOHNNY WIL BE PRESIDENT”
Imagine that! The Great Johnny C. Commander in Chief, President of the U.S.A., maybe my face will be on the ten dollar bill?, no- the hundred. Vote for me, The Great Johnny C.
