1-Thank you for Miss Manners
2-Ode to the Misery Channel
3-Sorry to hear you got caught hiking in Iran
4-Sorry to hear you were wiped out by a Drone
5-Thank you for Mein Summer Kamph
6-Ode to the Mexican restuarant
7-Thank you for the Big Mart store
8-Sorry to hear there won’t be an NBA season
9-Thank you for the Arab Spring
10-Sorry to hear you received a Whackocard
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Ode to a Plumber
Plumber Plumber Don’t wait for Summer You will be awarded the prestigious ”Iron Cross” My toilet won’t run I’ve called Nine-One One My sink has two feet of moss
My face is blushing The toilet is not flushing I have lots of deep hidden fears Have pity on me Bladder’s at full capacity I just drank three Budweiser Beers
Undrinkable tap water since March Unknown contents are stronger than starch The low water pressure can’t maintain even Crab Grass The garbage disposal still does reek I see apple cores still sitting from last week With plumber bills, I’m wet up to my ass
No hot water in the bedroom shower stall Cold water leaks in my Chinese dry wall The sink is stopped up again, “Oh what a bummer!” Maytag Man didn’t tighten a pipe Hose I need is an “Out of Stock” type I just used my last dose of “Liquid Plumber”
The fridge motor just constantly pouts Everything inside looks like ancient Brussels Sprouts Shower head pours like the Falls of Niagara The bathtub takes three days to drain The fungus grown now has a name Impotent icemaker is in dire need for some Viagra
So Plumber Plumber have mercy on me I know it’s the night of Christmas Eve Tell me you are coming Please get my sacred bathroom water running Until then, my bladder catheter I must leave
